Story of my life...
Posted on Dec 03, 2011 at 04:34 PM
I wasn't born a lesbian, nor did I just wake up one day and say "Hey, I'm gonna be a lesbian!" It came upon me slowly through out my teenage years. I did date guys, and get involved with them as well. I like to think that the experiences I had with men drew me to become less attracted to them as I dated more.
I grew up in a household, raised by my grandparents thinking that being a homosexual was wrong and something chosen by the person. As I got older I realized, you can't just chose who you want to be. You don't just go and look in your closet and say "hmm.... today i feel like being a lesbian..." No. It doesn't work that way at all. Some people may just know from birth that they don't like men, but others realize it after a few years. It could be caused by a bad relationship or it just happens.
I became home schooled in grade school. In that time I got to reflect on people and how they acted. I got afraid to talk to any one and didn't have many friends. Eventually, my mother put me back into regular school. I started back up in 7th grade at a very diverse middle school. There were all walks of life there. The group of girls that I hung out with were all bi-sexual. They all knew they were bi-sexual. I got my first taste of being with a girl because of hanging out with them. I figured about a year before I went back to public schools that I was into guys and girls. But, it was different to be able to experience what it was like to be with a girl. It almost put me off for a while.
In the beginning of my 7th grade year, I went to my cousins wedding. There I meet my godmothers. They were these butch lesbians that were very womanly at the same time. That was the first experience I got to interact with lesbians. I soaked it all in. The two days that we were in town for the wedding I got to know them, and I asked them a lot of questions. One of which was "How did you know you were a lesbian?" They looked at me and giggled, they said: "You just know. You don't wake up one day and say you want to be a lesbian. It just happens." I feel like these two ladies know that I was a lesbian before I even fully understood what that word meant. I feel like they looked at me and knew.
At that time I was dating a boy. I dated two guys that year. Both of which were very special to me, and they still are. Well, not them exactly, but the fact that they were a lot of firsts for me was very special. They are also the start of my fall from being bi-sexual.
But, about this time last year, I was in the tenth grade. I started to really question my sexuality. A lot. Because of me being a strong believer in dreams and how dreams control what is going on in your life, I realized that I was dreaming more, and more about beautiful women. I would wake up feeling satisfied by the dream but also very confused. After analyzing more of the dreams, I figured out that maybe I should change up my life style and see if it's for me. So I did. I dated a girl for a half a year, nothing really came out of it for me. So, I went back to dating guys. I dated two guys that year. but I still wasn't even satisfied fully with that. The last guy I dated, I just couldn't bare the thought of having sex with. I wouldn't even touch him.
So, after he broke up with me, I promised myself that I wouldn't date for a while. That lasted about a month and a half and then I meet a girl, we'll call her "C", I meet her at my city's local pride event that summer. She was beautiful. Tattooed, motivated, just what I thought was amazing. We talked for a little while and I started to really like her. I was a lifeguard this summer and I worked all the time. I never got to see her and eventually we stopped talking and she got into a relationship. I was highly upset by this and I pretty much deleted her out of my life.
The more I interacted with girls, talking to the, asking them about every thing I realized that I was into women. I was fascinated with being with a girl, with dating a girl. I felt pretty and sexy when I thought about finding a girl that I could be in a long relationship with. I guess that's how I figured out that I was a lesbian. It just happened over time.
There's a lot more to my life and these stories that I will eventually touch on as I write. I have also realized that this blog would be a good way for me to be able to openly share all of my experiences.