Lesbian Blogs > KateGalliglatior's blogs > Story of my life...
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KateGalliglatior
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Posted on Sat, Dec 03, 2011 16:34

I wasn't born a lesbian, nor did I just wake up one day and say "Hey, I'm gonna be a lesbian!" It came upon me slowly through out my teenage years. I did date guys, and get involved with them as well. I like to think that the experiences I had with men drew me to become less attracted to them as I dated more. I grew up in a household, raised by my grandparents thinking that being a homosexual was wrong and something chosen by the person. As I got older I realized, you can't just chose who you want to be. You don't just go and look in your closet and say "hmm.... today i feel like being a lesbian..." No. It doesn't work that way at all. Some people may just know from birth that they don't like men, but others realize it after a few years. It could be caused by a bad relationship or it just happens. I became home schooled in grade school. In that time I got to reflect on people and how they acted. I got afraid to talk to any one and didn't have many friends. Eventually, my mother put me back into regular school. I started back up in 7th grade at a very diverse middle school. There were all walks of life there. The group of girls that I hung out with were all bi-sexual. They all knew they were bi-sexual. I got my first taste of being with a girl because of hanging out with them. I figured about a year before I went back to public schools that I was into guys and girls. But, it was different to be able to experience what it was like to be with a girl. It almost put me off for a while. In the beginning of my 7th grade year, I went to my cousins wedding. There I meet my godmothers. They were these butch lesbians that were very womanly at the same time. That was the first experience I got to interact with lesbians. I soaked it all in. The two days that we were in town for the wedding I got to know them, and I asked them a lot of questions. One of which was "How did you know you were a lesbian?" They looked at me and giggled, they said: "You just know. You don't wake up one day and say you want to be a lesbian. It just happens." I feel like these two ladies know that I was a lesbian before I even fully understood what that word meant. I feel like they looked at me and knew. At that time I was dating a boy. I dated two guys that year. Both of which were very special to me, and they still are. Well, not them exactly, but the fact that they were a lot of firsts for me was very special. They are also the start of my fall from being bi-sexual. But, about this time last year, I was in the tenth grade. I started to really question my sexuality. A lot. Because of me being a strong believer in dreams and how dreams control what is going on in your life, I realized that I was dreaming more, and more about beautiful women. I would wake up feeling satisfied by the dream but also very confused. After analyzing more of the dreams, I figured out that maybe I should change up my life style and see if it's for me. So I did. I dated a girl for a half a year, nothing really came out of it for me. So, I went back to dating guys. I dated two guys that year. but I still wasn't even satisfied fully with that. The last guy I dated, I just couldn't bare the thought of having sex with. I wouldn't even touch him. So, after he broke up with me, I promised myself that I wouldn't date for a while. That lasted about a month and a half and then I meet a girl, we'll call her "C", I meet her at my city's local pride event that summer. She was beautiful. Tattooed, motivated, just what I thought was amazing. We talked for a little while and I started to really like her. I was a lifeguard this summer and I worked all the time. I never got to see her and eventually we stopped talking and she got into a relationship. I was highly upset by this and I pretty much deleted her out of my life. The more I interacted with girls, talking to the, asking them about every thing I realized that I was into women. I was fascinated with being with a girl, with dating a girl. I felt pretty and sexy when I thought about finding a girl that I could be in a long relationship with. I guess that's how I figured out that I was a lesbian. It just happened over time. There's a lot more to my life and these stories that I will eventually touch on as I write. I have also realized that this blog would be a good way for me to be able to openly share all of my experiences. Thank you, Kate


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VeiLoca
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Posted on Sun, Oct 21, 2012 01:07

Thank you for sharing this story. It is so similar to what I'm going through. I'm Bi but still in the closet to most, especially my family. they mean everything to me and I know that the one person who I love the most, my dad, believes strongly agains homosexuality. 

Anyway, it's realy comforting to know that I'm not alone here. I do, however, wake up some days thinking, today I'm going to be a lesbian. F! dudes.

Really, so true about the bad experiences with them. I've fallen in love with guys before and had relationships with a substantial amount of the male species but I feel that change coming.

And now I don't mind it so much. I'm glad I followed my instincts and landed here so I could read this blog. Well said. =)



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kninjA5
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Posted on Thu, Apr 26, 2012 10:34

My mom more or less caught me forced me to come out. And it was a your going atraight to hell in a hamd basket conversation. It was rough for a few years so I understand the hesitation annepat to tell the ol folks. I was raised in a conservative Christian home so being a lesbian wasn't ever even probable. It was something of an internal struggle for me for a long time tryinf to make how I feel and everything I knew to believe in and make them match. But for me I say I'm bi cuz iv been with men but mostly I like and want to be with women much more it all seems to fit better. I don't however really buy into social labels I don't think whether one coyld call me or name me Amy single thing because the one thing does not define the entire dynamic of who I am as a person. I fins that my heart loves to love and manages to find immense beauty in its musings and I am just kind of along for the ride. Anyway I like gratis or reading others stories makes me feel more normal lol.


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Annepat07
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Posted on Wed, Jan 11, 2012 22:51

I think that sexuality is something you are born with. Being bisexual complicates things though. The question becomes which gender are you going to choose? For me I've decided that I am definitely not straight and I feel much more comfortable being considered a lesbian. I am more interested in girls, I love everything about girls. I always have I just didn't know that I was a lesbian because I thought it was how all girls felt about each other growing up. So when I came out 3 days ago, my mom said she had a feeling I was when I was younger because of how attached I would get to my girl friends. So that's how it worked out with me. I've had so much go wrong in my life as a result, but so much else that went great. I guess thats how life is. I mean I've been out to my whole world for the past 4 years, but afraid to tell my parents until 3 days ago.


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cagedfreebird
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Posted on Tue, Jan 03, 2012 21:52

wow 'thatisit' your blog just made me tear up lol! I don't know where to start either. Where do I go to meet other lesbians? how do I know if someone is a lesbian? how do we first interact? I have no idea. I'm proud of you that you finally accepted taht you are lesbian. Good luck on your beautiful new life and endeavors :)

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Posted on Thu, Dec 29, 2011 09:09

addiction issues.  and she was way too young for me, it was an 18yr age difference. I have done some lesbian social scene things, but was not into the drama.  I am just gonna do things I enjoy on my own and if I happen to meet someone then fine, and if not then I will be enjoying life anyway :-)



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quitenice
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Posted on Fri, Dec 23, 2011 17:11

thatisit....What happened to the woman you had the affair with? Have you checked for any lesbian social clubs in your area?


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Posted on Tue, Dec 20, 2011 21:31

Thanks for sharing your story.  I had the same experience with not just waking up one day and saying I am a lesbian.  For me, it came in the way of becoming friends with the first lesbian I ever met when I was 48 years old.  My lifetime of unhappiness within my marriage of 27 years, and my failure to enjoy (actually dreaded) my wifely duties, all made sense one day when she hugged me and I didn't want to let go.  My body became on fire. There had been a secret that was locked inside me....due to being raised Catholic and taught it was a "choice" and a sin to be gay...and that secret became unlocked that day.  The flood gates opened and I knew that was what had been missing all my life.  I hadn't been living my true self.  A torrid, incredible, passionate affair ensued, and I could NOT stop it.  I was ruled by my hormones and the chemicals that were stored up for 48 years.  Having an affair is never right, no matter what the reason, and I now live with the guilt over that since my children and husband knew (I couldnt hide it, I was like a crazed teenager!).  Now that I am back to my senses, I struggle with accepting my sexuality, eventhough I know in my heart it is true. There were signs all my life that I unconsciously ignored.

 

I am scared.  I don't know how to be a lesbian (oh I know the sex part...that came naturally) but I don't know this whole culture, this new world.  How do I know if someone is gay?  How will anyone know I am gay?  Unfortunately, I have heard way too many stories of the drama that goes on in the lesbian dating scene, and I want no part of drama. My husband of 30 years has easily slipped into a new relationship with a woman, while I struggle to figure out how I will do that as well.  It is almost inconceivable to me that I was able to keep this secret from myself for all these years.  And now, at 51 yrs old, I am to start a whole new life that I am unfamiliar with.  Scary.

 

But I know how amazing it felt being with a woman.  I remember the connection we had, the way our bodys fit and felt together.  It was mind blowing and beautiful, and it was unlike anything possible with a man.  I know I want that connection again.  I am sometimes fearful I won't find it, and most times hopeful the universe is already working to bring someone to me. I won't lose hope that somewhere there is the woman my mind, heart, body and soul will connect with, and as long as I keep that hope....it is possible. 



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