A letter to Jela
Posted on Fri, Feb 24, 2012 10:31
Kamusta kana? (how are you?) it's been more than a month since we haven't spoken and never heard from you. I am perfectly aware that you're on sick leave, off to Philippines to take some time and grieve for your loss (coz she lost her dog, maui). And at the same time spend time with your mother. I perfectly understand that. And it sucks that i cannot do anything but to wait . What i don't understand is that why can't I reach you on both of your numbers. I know you wont be using much of your cp in the Philippines, but why won't you give me achance to hear from you? as in totally shut communication?? Honestly, i'm really having a hard time . getting crazy. haven't had good sleep 'coz you always occupy my mind. I'm praying and hoping that you're okay every time negative thoughts enter my mind. please babe, help me out here. If you guys are together again, i would understand, i just don't think that i deserve this. It will be hard for me to accept that, but at least i know.
I remember like a day before you went to pinas, i told you i'm scared that i might lose you. Now, i'm beginning to wonder that maybe my instinct serves me right. But i keep on fighting for it because you said that you wouldn't do that. That you'll be back, you just need some time. That you love me, and asking me to be patient and understanding to you. and i keep on holding to that kasi mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita jela, if i haven't expressed myself how much i love you, then i apologize.
I am perfectly aware that you can just vanish anytime considering the kind of relationship we have, and the kind of communication we use can just be gone just like that. And i told you that. I know all the risks that involves here, but please hwag ka naman ganyan. Just tell me, and i'll leave. not like this. I promise, i won't fight with you. you know i'm not that. you know i listen and rationalize everything. you know my patience. I just need to know. If i had to beg, i would. i dont care if i sound like making a complete fool out of myself. just please..
I have been so honest to you about my feelings, i hope that you felt that too. that i wished i'm with you right now. kung alam mo lang. and i cant wait to take my nclex coz i wanna be with you but now, i dont know. help me out here. If there's something that i wanna apologize is that, i went to chat with people again sa icq but that's the time when i cannot contact you anymore but i'm not flirting or something. I just need to talk to someone coz i'm getting crazy na hindi ko naipapalabas lahat ng feelings and thoughts ko sa 'yo. i need to divert my thoughts, i need to be sane. you know im in KSA right now and you know how my life is in here...away from my home, my comfort zone. so, i am very sorry i havent kept that promise. but other than that I am waiting for you.
And I am still and will be waiting for you. So please babe, don't do this to me. sana magreply ka. positive or not, i just need to know. I know naman you're not that and you're sincere. don't keep me wait in vain babe. please...
i love you. i miss you soooooooooooo much that it really hurts, that sometimes i find it hard to breather already.
longing for you a lot.