In the past, I have been confused to who I am. What I am in terms of sexuality. I am attracted to men, women, transgenders. I couldn't define what I am/was. Whenever I was asked if I was a lesbian - I choke on my responses, not because I am in denial but because I wasn't sure it it WAS what I am. Ever since the age of 12, I knew I was attracted to both sexes. At 21, I had sexual intimacy with a transgender. So what does that make me?
I liked boys. I like the idea of having sex with a guy. A guy who is strong physically to hold me down, but gentle and patient enough to caress me and allow me to reach orgasm. After some experiences, I have, time and again been disappointed. I had fun as they were 'rough' and strong. BUT. Impatient. No orgasm on my part. I started to do my research on the reasons for not being able to orgasm. I masturbated and within minutes - I feel relieved. So - it bothered me when the opposite sex can't make me. For a while, I had thought of it as normal. Then one day, a girl friend of mine came on to me. She was my first girl experience. For the first time, I came. When I reciprocated, she didn't though. I was confused. I knew I had to learn more about women. But was tough as she wasn't as open to receiving. She wouldn't let me go all the way with my fingers. I respected that - she was afraid she will lose her virginity. There were things she knew but there were also things she didn't.
From then, I did a lot of research on the human bonds, the emotional state to be in, the sexual positions, the g-spot, the arousing factors etc. I got my big break to test out my new found knowledge on a few girl friends who had problems in bed with their partners. And the results were good. Really good. Every one of them came not once but twice, thrice and more depending on how much time we had. I could remember quite clearly 2 of them who had jelly legs after our session. They said they have NEVER felt that the whole time they had been with their partners - in fact, never knew they could c*m that hard. This intriguing results made me more obsessed to learn a little more in depth. The cause, the reasons how and why it happens / doesn't happen.
All these were done in secrecy. Discretion was of upmost importance. None of us wants people to know what we did behind closed doors. It was taboo, unacceptable by society to have sex with the same gender. And many a time, the flirting will happen subtlely in public. These women became addicted to sex. The desire to re-live the orgasmic sensation was really strong. They identified their arousal spots, they knew better about their bodies, their emotional state and they got their voice. Some of them went away, leading better sex lives with their partners whilst some - comes back to me 'cause they couldn't reach the same level of satisfaction with their partners.
I felt contentment. I started to 'serve' more women and less men. Saved me the hassle and the frustrations of not climaxing. Glad I was able to help women build their confidence in bed. In fact, I myself started to love the idea of licking pu**ies and making them c*m. Caressing their bodies, holding them, kissing them... It all brought joy to me, a feeling of being a part of something. And that was enough for me, there wasn't a need for any of them to reciprocate. I was satisfied by making them climax. Weird as it is - it's true. Of course, I didn't mind the occasional return of favour... *winks.
But one thing was taking a toll on me. I care. For everyone of them and sometimes a little more for that someone. And then I fall. The fact that I could fall for one of them and never actually be able to have them - that hurts. It's bad.
Sex / Making love will create intimacy. A bond. A special kind of bond. If the heart is not protected, it can go down badly. This - I still have to learn to handle... You need intimacy to get it going but the intimacy has to be controlled so that you don't fall - hard enough?
*Feel free to ask questions about physical intimacy if you have any...