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nooone
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Posted on Wed, May 19, 2010 07:01

I have made several really good friends here on ldate and i feel that I may have met the woman of my dreams hear, I have bosted on how happy we are and this being my first relationship living with a woman feel that there still is a lot to learn....the problem is that she is a heavy smoker over a pack a day and gets up thru the night to smoke then comes back to bed smelling like an ashtray. Before we do anything she has to go out and smoke a cigg which means I am feeling walked out on 24 plus times a day.We talked about my ashma before we started living together and she said with everything new going on she was just smoking more than usual and she would cut back. I have lost 3 loves to ciggeretts and she is sounding very congested coughing and barking up stuff which is begining to make me love her less. I feel the smokes are more important than me. My house is begining to stink and my clothes smell the others. We have only been living together three months. I guess i am selfserving and I want her not to smoke but you see how for my request has gone. She knows i am very unhappy with all this but without much change. someone must have been in the spot by now and I would love to know how to go about making a change without giving up our relationship. She is feeling like I am going to throw her out and I am feeling like I want to leave home. Is this just one of the problems in both male and female relationships. Please help me with some suggestions to try and make this work. Don't tell me we aren't compatable out love is really wonderful and I just don't want to sit and watch another lover die from smoking.. If you are a smoker in a relationship like this please give me a clue to help me thru this love comes but once like ours and I don;t want to loose what I have. I am feeling like its going to kill her or me from the smoking and I just can't go on. You ladies I really want your imput on this could you be doing the same thing to your lover and the same results are happining,Am I selfish or am I trying to save her life...I know some things are not left up to me and I don't want to play God, I just want my relationship to last with her, any help might save our love for each other ....please advise...I do not want to go back to being...plentyofnoone


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nooone
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Posted on Thu, Jul 29, 2010 19:36

Mikka, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR COMMENT, thats why I like this site so much a real friend will tell you what you Need to hear and it gives me reason to think things from all angles you have helped me learn love isn't always my way or hers (she is now on the patch 6 days) and things are going much better, but I will remember what you have said next time I feel like being judgemental


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riotgrrrl
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Posted on Fri, Jul 23, 2010 03:41

Well, obviously you are not a smoker. Its not a choice that she is making to actually take time away from you to go out to smoke and the cigarette wins. Its that she is choosing to smoke away from you since you do not smoke instead of smoking by you and making you all sick and smelly. We go out to smoke so that we don't have to expose others to the smoke especially if they do not smoke. Its out of respect that we leave and find another place away from others to do it and its not always a fun trip to seek out a spot and we get horrible looks by people who don't even know us but they still lurk in our direction. We have an ugly habit that took a long time to create so it will take a long time to get rid of. If we can't even stop smoking to save our own lives than how can others think that we are choosing the cig over their love and company? My last gf was a non smoker and a vegan who constantly tossed bits and peices of science in my face when it came to eating non organic fruits/veges and the chemical deaths related to it and the meat industry. She told me that if I loved her that I would stop trying to kill myself with chemicals and stop making her feel like we are not going to have a long life together since I will be consummed by what I not only smoked but also by what I ate. It goes both ways. MY gf was right with the chemical sprays on the fruits too and also the meat additives so, do you also eat reg meat and regular fruits? Thank god your gf isn't looking for things to toss back at you too if we are to be real and authentic to our bodies and care for a healthy long life. You fell in love with a smoker. She fell in love with you as a non smoker. You both had to have some idea of the fact that these two worlds would not see eye to eye one day esp after the honeymoon phase where we all are just so perfect even with all of our flaws dangling out for all to see. She has to always leave to smoke and find a place to do it and leave a warm bed and your side to do it and it really doesn't have any kind rewards after we light up, just that funny ache goes away like when we are thirsty and we finally have adrink of water? You need to patient. Smoking doesn't have anything to do with how much or less she loves and needs you. Her body is used to the dosage of nicotine and there will be withdrawls. Its not easy. Don't make an already problem even worse for her by being illogical and making it personal because smoking has nothing to do with you. It was there before you two met. Its a nasty relationship that often wins the will power race. Stick with her if you really love her and give her a smoking jacket and make her wear it cuz I even hate the smell and I smoke myself. Take it one step at a time with her. Its the cigs that you hate and not her. If you really love her and not really just hate that nasty smell, take tiny steps since you are aware of the rat race with all the fake ads for those gauranteed stop smoking gadgets. Its a habit. It doesn't mean that we don't love ourselves or others. Its just a nasty habit that has to end in some way asap. Good Luck and have patience and get her a long sleeved smoking jacket and gloves and a beanie to tuck her hair in and candy and lots of love and tell her that it will take time to kiss her after she skokes since her mouth tastes funny. Its true :)You have a valid reason to be smoke free too. Good luck with that too.


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Allwomanhere
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Posted on Thu, Jul 22, 2010 19:40

If she loves herself, she will stop smoking... Smoking is so unhealthy, in addition to being unhealthy to you. She seems to not be willing to stop. You have a choice to live or die with her. what's love got to do with that? There is no sugar coating for it. While a compromise would be great, the end result is still the same...


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nooone
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Posted on Sun, Jun 27, 2010 00:13

Your answer was tuff but I guess very true. I was looking for a perfect kind of love and I guess it's just not out there for me..Next time I will make better choices but I think if I end this relationship it will be very hard to love again I am just to romantic and want to be close and now I keep thinking I am to controling... guess I will never love again...i am to judgemental, thanks again I really didn't like what you had to say but it did need to be said and i thank you.


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Blue911
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Posted on Tue, Jun 01, 2010 17:21

Never date someone who smokes and expect to change them



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queserasera
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Posted on Wed, May 26, 2010 04:32

I am a smoker and really the bottom line here is : -the more someone else tries to persuede me to quit, the more I resent the idea...and them for their seemingly controlling requests, their personal invasion of my life, and their basic disrespect for my right to choose the way in which I live (or die, for that matter)...LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE....and STAY OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE's ! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ! If it bothers you that much, or if it's a deal breaker for you, then face reality and move on...you can't change anybody's mind. Lamenting and complaining about it is just a waste of time , and likely will cause resentment to grow in both of you. Next time resolve to make a better & wiser choice. :-D

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shortieskatt
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Posted on Mon, May 24, 2010 18:57

remember that smoking is an addiction and just like all the rest until shes ready your hit. You can try with an ultimatium but, then you may lose her altogether. Try suggestions on her cutting down or stopping, by patches/gum. Or, even let hear from a professional the effects its having on her body, like taking a breathing test or actually getting a test that determines lung capacity and age. Good luck


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nooone
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Posted on Fri, May 21, 2010 23:27

I thank you for your advice, she has been smoking most of the time outside but then you get walked out on 20 or more times a day, I have trouble with boundres in life and i thank you for reminding me early to keep to my own, for me it is a health issue, i am struggling to breathe and she seems to be determind to contiue.I went in this for better or worst and I am trying to be as flexable as i can,however it is a matter of time untill it makes her sick, I asked her did she really want to smoke that cigg more than be here with me...she did. I know that there must be hundreds of couples like us where one smokes and the other doesn't. It is so hard to find someone you love and I do love her, we laugh and have all sorts of fun, however I told her I would never be truly happy as long as she smoked...Boundres are very important in the begining of a relationship health should be cherished and not waisted she is a beautiful woman 120 lbs about 5'5 with perfect breast and a body of a woman half her age (56).I want to keep what we have going but I am somewhat incecure and I don't want to watch her waste away. I haven t gone into my own set of things I do wrong so who am I to judge the one I love the most. You were kind to help in my struggle...any other who will sound off and "put me in my place" I know Uricka you will read this and I know you love your ciggs help me understand how to get thru it. In my last statement I will tell you all, smoking is not fun, nor does it smell good not to mention your lungs, why take time away from your loved one I will never understand.


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okiegem
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Posted on Fri, May 21, 2010 19:23

I feel for you, I truly do. I am a smoker and, like Mark Twain once said, “It’s easy to quit smoking. I’ve done it a thousand times”. I have quit in the past, and in the 80s for 9 years. But now seem unable to do so. And, it is killing me. I know it. I don’t know how old your partner is, but at least for me (I am 61), the older I get the less will I seem to have for quitting. It’s like what’s the use: I’ll just pick it up again when in a stressful situation. And, the damage has already been done. It’s a horrible place to be. However, there is hope for many with a new device that has helped many smokers to quit, and you and your partner should check it out. It is called an “ecigarette”, “ecig” or “personal vaporizer”. It can be purchased over the counter on the web. Do a Google search, and you’ll find plenty of info. I have tried it and even ordered 20 ecig kits, anticipating helping others to quit. So, if you can’t for some reason find a seller, let me know and I’ll send you a kit for my cost. Smokers do differ, in that some are addicted to the nicotine, which is physical. Other smokers are addicted to the “process” which includes the motions involved, the visuals of the smoke, the inhaling, holding the cigarette, having it in their mouth and hand, and so on. If your partner is more addicted to the nicotine, this “ecig” device may be a working solution for both of you, because you can choose how much nicotine to put in it, it looks like a cigarette, but does not contain the deadly carcinogens, has no flame/ash. Yet, when the user inhales, she is inhaling a vapor containing the nicotine. There is no smoke to it. And when the user exhales, there is only vapor with a pleasant aroma, instead of stinky cigarette smoke. It truly is an awesome device. For me, I am addicted more to the “process” than the nicotine. The personal vaporizer has not yet worked for me, because I am overly sensitive to its additional weight (tho' only a little heavier than the real thing, my psyche won't accept it). When I can one day afford to buy more kits, it will be a new model that does not weigh as much as the one I have, and is a bit smaller. My hope is to find the personal vaporizer that my psyche is okay with, finally stop smoking, then help others to do the same. It is such a DEADLY habit, and harms not only the smoker but those around him/her.


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sseraph
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Posted on Fri, May 21, 2010 00:07

I lost a lover to smoking too. I waas caregiver for last two years. Lung cancer is a horrible way to go. I really really sympathize. And you can't be around a bunch of smoke with your asthma in any case. And a long time I ago I was a smoker so I get that end of it too. I would put my foot down. You don't want smoke in your house then tell her she can only smoke outside. Even when it wasn't a live in partner I wouldn't smoke or would much less when a lover put her foot down on that. If that is too much for her then it is too much. You are more generous than me. After the above experience I will never bury another lover from cigs. I promised myself that.


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lvlycr6
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Posted on Thu, May 20, 2010 22:54

Hello. I never dated someone that smoked but had a family member living with us that smoked for over 50 years and in so, I can give you some ideas of how to approach it. Suggest she only smoke outside or in the garage. Alot of times, when you set limits at least for yourself, if she loves you back, she will respect what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Also, sometimes this will cause the person to cut back...who wants to smoke in zero degree weather? However, you must ask yourself if you are willing to live with someone whom may never stop smoking. You can tell them story after story of the need to quit, but the other person must want to stop on their own. In the meantime, all you can do is encourage (not preach), be there and be supportive in whatever they decide. However, if she does decide to continue the habit, you must decide if you are willing to stick around and tolerate the idea of your clothes needing an extra washing, or to leave and stand your ground. No one can make this decision but you. You can still be caring in as much as deciding to leave as staying. It all comes down to how much you are willing to take and give. Hope this helps, but whether family or a partner, you need to keep your own boundaries in check and not abandon yourself entirely.



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uricka
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Posted on Thu, May 20, 2010 21:35

Hello Nooone, I am a light smoker, and trying to cut down more since i started running. All my lovers were none smokers. The way i dealt with it was when i knew i would be with my lover i would smoke in the morning then brushed my teeth really well and take a shower, i wouldn't smoke until she had gone home. It wasn't bad for me at all. When i was living with my lady for 5 years i smoked outside, would brushed my teeth really well and changed my clothes (this was everytime i finished smoking), otherwise she wouldn't come near me. I never smoke inside home and in the car and i still don't. I smoked less when i was living with her because i loved her and cared for her so much and she had an asthma too. For me a little sacrifice for my love one never hurt. Try to explain to your partner fully how you really feel about it. Ask her to cut down. I know it would be a pain to brush the teeth and change the clothes 20 times a day but.......


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