My story starts 2 years ago when I met Sasha on a forum. At the time she was 20 years old and I was only 17. Important to know is that I live in Belgium and she lives in America. When I met her I was in a pretty bad shape because of something that happened a few years earlier with my uncle that resulted in a sexual abuse case in court. I had talked to psychologists but I just couldn’t get over the trauma that’s until I met Sasha. I was very unhappy but the only thing that could bring me joy was reading and I joined a role play forum because I love writing as well. One of the admins there was Sasha and we started talking first through emails and then chatting online. I could tell her anything and for the first time in a long time I had someone that was there for me and that would put up with my depression. She was there for me even when I showed her my worst side and she taught me what life could be. She got me to see the beauty of life again which was huge back then because I was struggling with suicide thoughts and self-abuse. She became my best friend. She changed my life!!
It all started kind of like a joke to some of my friends because I wasn’t sure of my feelings towards Sasha. I’ve always fallen in love with boys and I was starting to think of Sasha as more than a friend. I even dreamt of how it would be to kiss her. This was totally new to me because I’ve never considered myself as someone being pro lesbian or gay. I’ve always felt like everyone was allowed their piece of happiness but never quite understood until now. I was very confused at the time so I joked around to see how Sasha would react to the news. I told her I was wondering how some of my friends would react if I told them I wanted to kiss Sasha. It was quite funny to see some of my friends’ reactions. I did lose one of my friends because she was against it. I tried explaining how I felt but she just shrugged it off as a phase and she just couldn’t deal with it. I don’t know how it went exactly but I confessed to Sasha that I really dreamt and thought about her in that way. It took awhile but to my relief (because I thought I had ruined our friendship) she confessed that she felt the same way and had been thinking of me in that way for some time now as well. It might seem weird to some people and I completely understand I’d be skeptical too but the way she makes me feel is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced we’re in total sync. She knows me better than I know myself and I love her more than anything else. It’s a 6 hour time difference but no one can make me happier than she can. It’s extra hard because of the distance and the fact that we’re two girls but our love is worth it.
In 2009 summer break I went to America for two weeks to visit her. It was better than I could have dared imagine. I didn’t want to leave anymore. I confessed to my parents how I felt about her and that I wished to stay in America longer but they were freaked out and threatened for me to come back so I had to go home. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that leaving her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and with my history that is saying something. The situation when I got home got out of hand and I ran away from home. I choose her over my family and went to live with my grandmother. I was completely estranged from my family because they would not accept I would choose her over them. For the first time in a long time I was happy and it was because of Sasha and they just couldn’t see that while I wasn’t going to give that up. I gave up my family. I’d give everything up. I’d do anything for her. In December during Christmas break she came to Belgium for 3 weeks. Again the 3 most beautiful weeks you can imagine. It was so hard to let her go but we always have Skype. We talk for hours and do as much as we can together over the computer which might be weird for some people but it’s normal for us. With Skype it’s like she can be there but not really be there. It’s a small comfort. The hardest part is that we can’t even hold each other’s hand or give a hug. The smallest gesture of comfort is impossible. That’s so hard you can’t imagine but it’s worth it for when we can be together for real. With Sasha I can finally be myself and be happy. Before I was always the person people wanted me to be but she just takes me like I am.
In the summer of 2010 I went to America again but now for 6 weeks. It was incredible. It was perfect and I could already see myself living there with her. We cooked, cleaned,… did so many things together. Of course we fought but we’re passionate and we don’t mind fighting because it brings us closer. After my leave I went to a rough time. It’s always hard after leaving because of the lack of physical contact. This time was different however because of her family. I love her family so much and I wouldn’t want anything more than to be part of it but more and more lately I got the feeling the feeling wasn’t returned. I felt like I was second rank and just a computer. Without realizing this got me and my self-esteem down. I also worked this out on Sasha. I feel so guilty about that because the last thing I want to do is hurt Sasha in any way, I love her too much for that. I always try and make it up to her because hurting her hurts me even more. I want to make her happy. I’m not afraid to admit my mistakes or apologize for them. I so want to make up for them but everyone makes mistakes. In October we booked a flight for her to come over to Belgium in November so she could stay for 6 weeks. She was so excited about it and was already counting down the days. She bought me all kinds of presents for my birthday and Christmas. She even teased me with them which is so typical her because she knows I so want to know! She also bought a new outfit for Christmas because she was going to meet my parents. By that time my relationship with my parents was still horrible but polite and they wanted to meet her and be part of our lives. She looked forward to being together a lot. We both were because it’s so hard to be apart. Being together is something we need to get through the rest of the time apart it’s an appeasement.
During that time Sasha was extremely busy with homework because she was taking so many classes online. She was working from dawn until dusk. I tried to help her as much as I could by reading her essays and correcting them but also by motivating her and that she shouldn’t feel bad or like she was neglecting me. To pass my time I watched a lot of TV but it made me feel down in the dumps. When she took a break and wanted to do something, I just didn’t feel like doing anything, I was drained. I feel so extremely guilty about that. I wish I could have been there more for her.
I can’t go on with my life without knowing. I do think I deserve a chance to be there for her. Just because she lives so far away that chance is taken away from me. I know she is the one for me. I know I’m still young (19) but I’ve already been through so much. What I feel for her is unlike anything else. I have been in love before but this is a once in a lifetime experience. I’m so tired. So tired of fighting. I’m so empty inside. I can’t do this alone anymore.
Because of her disappearance I finally came out to my friends about my sexual orientation. This has always been very hard for me. It’s hard to tell people because there is still a lot of resistance. But I just had to tell them how I feel about her. The whole world can know how I feel about her because she means so much to me. All of the world, I love someone so much and it’s a girl and her name is Sasha.
Friday November 12th we had a big fight about something really stupid that I can’t even remember anymore. She was very busy with homework so she really didn’t have time to fight. She didn’t want to fight for our relationship anymore and told me I needed to fight for it. I told her I couldn’t. I’ve always from the beginning been of the principle that I don’t deserve her and that I’m damaged goods because of my scars. In the end I did fight even though I know this was really selfish of me. I just didn’t want to lose her while I’ve always thought her happiness comes first. It’s unclear to me what happened next but after another stupid thing she just broke down. I can understand because she has so much pressure on her shoulders not just school but her parents and me too. I should have been there for her more but I was so down because of her family that I couldn’t be. I didn’t even realize her family had had such a negative effect on me. The whole weekend I tried my very best to be there for her because I knew she needed it. She felt guilty about not having time for me and everyone else and stressing out about homework and other problems, it was just all too much for her. I tried everything I could to just be there for her but everything I did backfired. Everything I said she took wrong and when I didn’t say anything she took that wrong too. I didn’t know what to do anymore that weekend I called everyone I knew for advice on what to do. It was killing me inside. I did everything they told me to but nothing helped. By that time I couldn’t sleep no more, barely eat and was full of stress. Her parents didn’t help either. They forced her to do her homework in the living room and she couldn’t even decide her own bedtime anymore or when to shower while she is 22!! With other words the pressure on her was even higher than before. Our time together was so limited and I was so stressed out because I was weighing my words so carefully but still having them backfired. On Tuesday I went to the doctor because I could barely eat or sleep. I needed to be there for her.
On Wednesday her parents made her talk to a priest. I came home that day and waited patiently for her to come back but I did not get any call until 11pm my time. It was not Sasha but her dad who told me they committed Sasha in an institution. I didn’t talk with him very long because I was so struck by the news. Sasha was not crazy, it just got all too much. She just needed us all to be there for her and support her. She’s 22 and her parents got her committed but they made very clear to me that Sasha will always be their daughter and basically I have something to say but they have the last word so basically I can say whatever I want they will do whatever they want. Even if we were to be married and I still lived in Belgium this would be the same. I actually had made plans to buy an engagement ring for her in December and propose to her. Sasha is the kind of person that wants to do right all the time and has a low self-esteem and lets people walk all over her. One thing you need to know is lately I was always the one that stood up for her. She always thanked me for it because she couldn’t do it for herself. On November 18th I talked to her parents for the last time and they would call me back on Sunday to keep me posted about when she’d be back which would be next Wednesday. I never heard from them again even though I’ve been on Skype every single day waiting. Sasha did send me an email that Wednesday saying she needed to stay longer and how it had been in the institution. She ended it with "I love you, I really do." That’s the last thing I got from her.
By accident I discovered she has a FB account and I had a feeling in my stomach that she wasn’t really in an institution. Also because of the way her family has been acting towards me. Her family has the control over her they proved that that weekend she broke down. She has to listen and obey their laws. Since then I’ve lost 6 kilo and been to the doctor 4 times for pills ranging from stomach pills to sedatives and sleeping pills. I even went to see a psychologist because I broke down. I’ve spend 1.5 year day in and out with her as much as I can over the computer and so has she. She wasn’t just my girlfriend but my best friend. I want to believe she is in an institution but on the other side I have this feeling inside. I can’t describe the feeling inside me how horrible it is to think this and the next second that. Not knowing is the hardest thing. Doubting everything is impossible to live with. One thing I know deep down inside is that she loves me. That weekend after the fight I asked her if she didn’t see us together anymore to end it now for the short pain but she got incredibly mad at me for even suggesting it.
In the mean time I’ve been at my parent’s house. They’ve been there for me, taking me to doctors and even calling her house phone. I tried calling myself but when her mom answered I just froze. I couldn’t get anything out of my mouth I just sat there frozen, overwhelmed by all the emotions. I love them a lot, all of them and the feeling that they do not return that is very hard to deal with. On December 24th her dad told my sister that Sasha would be back. Again like so many times before I’ve had my hopes up but nothing happened. She is at home I know she is because her parents told my sister. I made Sasha a promise that weekend that I would not cut myself no more. Until this day I can say I have not broken that promise. It’s been extremely hard and I’ve been so close to doing so but my love for her is stronger than my will to cut. I have been struggling with suicide thoughts every day but my love for her is stronger. She was my everything and I was hers. You need to know that Sasha already missed me terribly when I was away for a few hours and so would I but she’d say that she went crazy missing me lol. I was always the one that encouraged her to go to the movies or go shopping with her grand mom because she didn’t want to leave me. She wanted to stay with me.
The way her family has acted and spoken to me it’s like they blame me for Sasha breaking down and for everything. They see me as the bad guy (well girl really). I have to admit throughout this time I have blamed myself a lot because I did make mistakes like everyone does but most of all I love her and I’d do anything to make her happy. I have fought for her and I realize now that I can’t blame myself for everything because her family is to blame too. I did good things too. I was there for Sasha when her family got her down or walked all over her. I tried to be there for her and her family didn’t. I love Sasha so much. I wish I would have been there more but I’m only human. I can only do so much on my own. I kind of feel like a guy that has just lost his wife after a fight. Not even a chance to say anything or a chance to make up for it. A chance to explain. I don’t have any closure. I know nothing. Nothing at all. I’ve just been erased from her life while I’m the person that she’s always come to and who knows her best. I have no means to contact her. I’ve emailed but no reply. I’ve called but nothing. I’m on Skype whenever I can but nothing. I’m just ripped from her life.