Lesbian Blogs > Diana_J's blogs > My Story and My Sexuality

My Story and My Sexuality

Members Only

In the past, I have been confused to who I am. What I am in terms of sexuality. I am attracted to men, women, transgenders. I couldn't define what I am/was. Whenever I was asked if I was a lesbian - I choke on my responses, not because I am in denial but because I wasn't sure it it WAS what I am. Ever since the age of 12, I knew I was attracted to both sexes. At 21, I had sexual intimacy with a transgender. So what does that make me?


I liked boys. I like the idea of having sex with a guy. A guy who is strong physically to hold me down, but gentle and patient enough to caress me and allow me to reach orgasm. After some experiences, I have, time and again been disappointed. I had fun as they were 'rough' and strong. BUT. Impatient. No orgasm on my part. I started to do my research on the reasons for not being able to orgasm. I masturbated and within minutes - I feel relieved. So - it bothered me when the opposite sex can't make me. For a while, I had thought of it as normal. Then one day, a girl friend of mine came on to me. She was my first girl experience. For the first time, I came. When I reciprocated, she didn't though. I was confused. I knew I had to learn more about women. But was tough as she wasn't as open to receiving. She wouldn't let me go all the way with my fingers. I respected that - she was afraid she will lose her virginity. There were things she knew but there were also things she didn't.


From then, I did a lot of research on the human bonds, the emotional state to be in, the sexual positions, the g-spot, the arousing factors etc. I got my big break to test out my new found knowledge on a few girl friends who had problems in bed with their partners. And the results were good. Really good. Every one of them came not once but twice, thrice and more depending on how much time we had. I could remember quite clearly 2 of them who had jelly legs after our session. They said they have NEVER felt that the whole time they had been with their partners - in fact, never knew they could c*m that hard. This intriguing results made me more obsessed to learn a little more in depth. The cause, the reasons how and why it happens / doesn't happen.


All these were done in secrecy. Discretion was of upmost importance. None of us wants people to know what we did behind closed doors. It was taboo, unacceptable by society to have sex with the same gender. And many a time, the flirting will happen subtlely in public. These women became addicted to sex. The desire to re-live the orgasmic sensation was really strong. They identified their arousal spots, they knew better about their bodies, their emotional state and they got their voice. Some of them went away, leading better sex lives with their partners whilst some - comes back to me 'cause they couldn't reach the same level of satisfaction with their partners.


I felt contentment. I started to 'serve' more women and less men. Saved me the hassle and the frustrations of not climaxing. Glad I was able to help women build their confidence in bed. In fact, I myself started to love the idea of licking pu**ies and making them c*m. Caressing their bodies, holding them, kissing them... It all brought joy to me, a feeling of being a part of something. And that was enough for me, there wasn't a need for any of them to reciprocate. I was satisfied by making them climax. Weird as it is - it's true. Of course, I didn't mind the occasional return of favour... *winks.


But one thing was taking a toll on me. I care. For everyone of them and sometimes a little more for that someone. And then I fall. The fact that I could fall for one of them and never actually be able to have them - that hurts. It's bad.


Sex / Making love will create intimacy. A bond. A special kind of bond. If the heart is not protected, it can go down badly. This - I still have to learn to handle... You need intimacy to get it going but the intimacy has to be controlled so that you don't fall - hard enough?


*Feel free to ask questions about physical intimacy if you have any...


Sort by:
newest post
  • oldest post
  • newest post
Members Only

If you are still interested in talking we can. (I know that some time has passed since you posted this comment and I am sorry for the late response.)



Members Only

Hi AngelofPlants


We are almost in the same situation. I lived an experience like that, that changed my life, I'm confused and when I read your description I thought maybe we could talk, I would like to share my experience with somebody that can understand me. So, can you help me? I'm new here.

Members Only

Around January 2011 I realized that I had more feelings for my roommate than the boyfriend I had at the time. This helped me figure out that I had cared for my boyfriend as a friend. So I broke up with him and we are still friends to this day.


I talked With my roommate (who I am going to call Lily, for her privacy) Lily, and explained how I felt. We decided at the time not to pursue our feelings, since I was not a 100% sure and she didn't want to enter that kind of relationship right then. 


She had a boyfriend (they were separated at the time we spoke then) and they continued to see each other. For a year my feelings grew and other people started to mistake us for a couple. Lily would say things like, if I wasn't with my boyfriend I would be with you or I can see myself married to you but not him. She even mentioned how she knew that I felt like I was on the back burner of the relationship or not good enough. During this time I wanted to cuddle or just be close to her. But I didn't want to impede on the relationship between her and her boyfriend. They are not into multiple relationships and I would not feel comfortable with it. 


This was the first time for me want to be this close to someone. With my past boyfriend it was just quick hugs and quick pecks on the lips. I did not feel comfortable doing more than that with guys. But with her I found myself just wanting to be close. 


After I graduated college in May 2012 I moved to visit family and Lily moved in with her boyfriend. I moved around for a year still holding on to my feeling for her. Then when I was moving back to Texas I found out that she broke up with her boyfriend. I offered for her to move in with me and she said she was going to stay with a brother of a friend of ours since she did not want to jump into a another relationship. She said that he had feelings for her and that she had feelings for him and was concerned about moving in with him. I said they could set up relationship boundaries. And I made the offer again about her staying with me if she was that concerned with it but she said that she wouldn't be able to respect her own boundaries if she moved in with me.


Well a few months later when all of my friends, Lily, and the guy she moved in with were all hanging out at a local festival. I noticed they were a couple and I talked to her about it later to confirm it. 


So now she's living him and we live in different cities. And I decided I can't hold on anymore. 


So at that time I was holding back on my emotions to respect her choice but in general I avoid situations with physical contact. Whether it's a hug from a family member or even people playing with my hair. I am not sure why and I just don't want this to be an obstacle for a future relationship.


thank you :)

Members Only

Hi AngelofPlants,


Thanks for leaving a comment.


Firstly, you need to identify the reasons of you NOT acting on it.


What made you hold yourself back knowing she had the same feelings..?

You mentioned that you could not act on it for fear of making it all worst - maybe you can break it down for me to fully understand what exactly you are afraid of in the first place? 

Are you afraid of rejection or afraid you might not be able to satisfy the other..?

Not having been in a sexual relationship may make sex rather intimidating since you are unsure of what to do - is this the issue you have..?


Whenever there is an attraction - it involves how one feels for the other. This feeling could be anything from fondness to lust to plain love. The mutual feeling you have with your room mate - what is it you both want to 'achieve'? Don't know? Then ask her. Talk about it.


Until you both know what you want out of it - it's rather frustrating to just assume.


In your second comment - you mentioned that you have moved on. You said it was an unhealthy relationship - but didn't give me the reason why you feel it was an unhealthy relationship... 


Maybe I can give you my thoughts if I know the situation...

Members Only

By the way, I no longer live with her but we are still friends. I decided a while ago to move on and in recent months I have realized that I have moved on. That love I had for her is still there just changed and I feel free... Free to see and love other people with out holding on to an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes you just have to let go to beable to move forward.

Members Only

I would have considered my self asexual until late college, I just wasn't attracted to anyone. I dated one guy in high school and one in college but they were friends. I didn't fall in love with them. I was blind sided by love for my female roommate. She was bisexual but was in a relationship with her boyfriend. This was the first time I wanted to cuddle with someone, to hug, and kiss. But I had to hold my self back and it did not help any that she had the "same feelings" for me. We would cuddle but that was pretty much it. But for over a year I fought with all sorts of emotions and could not act on any of it for fear of making it all worst. I have never had sex with a woman, transgender, or man. I would not know how to make that jump in a relationship. Any advice or thoughts on this?