i plan on having a video of me painting something proving my other work and then actually signing a piece that meets my standards for the first time    

One of my first memories was trying to aquire free will (or increase it for me and all people) because I was paranoid we were all cause and effect. I would do random things and change my mind right in the middle or do things I "wouldn't choose".. I thought I could dislodge the cause and effect train and everyone would be free. I was about 4 and I remember linking an experience to this, when I would fall to the ground with the feeling of strings skreetching in my ears, it hurt a lot and lasted about a minute or so. I thought it was punishment from the universe for this pattern of behavior and not following what I know now is synchronicity and listening and taking it in interpreting truth that dialogue of meant to be not has to be. I always had a dialogue between myself and "Nothing" which was my concept of God when I learned that the space between particles was that. Edge of universe is all matter within universe. Anyway that habit of experimenting with strange behavior resulted in a lot of mistakes and bad karma. I wish I had fully realized what the universe was telling me. But that is a real memory. Also a first memory is crying for hours for my mom in my cradle. Finding a dead blue jay under a tree. When my kindergarten bully who I would call on in the schoolyard to beat me up told me the story I shared in the library was good and never bullied me again and I missed her. The bug club I started in kindergarten where I would bring in all these plastic containers for the kids, I got bored and slightly overwhelmed with the routine so I quit the club and then the new girl leader said she would change it to the "ant club" when I was upset she stole my club lol.. My grandma getting me to retrieve objects from under her bed, her singing to me and me warming her feet cuddling. Her story of the poor matchstick girl and her grandmother she would tell. my cousin telling me we should just draw the jewellery and objects in my grandmother's room if we felt the need to steal. When my friend in improv class stole my idea and made it way better around the time I was losing my gift, seeing her word for word joke in a fav successful comedian's routine. other jokes in routines that make me wonder if a tape with us on it got to somewhere.. My childhood taperecorder memories made me wonder things too.. Playing what I thought was really cool music out of "my first tape recorder" the sony product, for the babysitter kids playing basketball. one of those kids always had silly putty and cool toys in his fanny pack.. me and him found broken shingles once by the house when we were waiting for the sitter to walk the other kids home and let us in.. we put twos of the "wishing rocks" together until one fit and we made a wish and then the sitter immediately appeared from around the bend and we looked at eachother like oh my god is that what you wished lol. an older girl kid at the sitters making me play at 5 that i was the abused child of the home trying to call children's aid and then she comes around the corner angry lol   i found a rock a few days ago after being up all night. it was by the tracks and even reminded me of the one i found with my dad by the tracks when i was like 6 or 8... i remember him saying its time to go now and i begged him just give me a few more moments i know im about to find the perfect rock. right when he was about to get really mad and it would have been too late i immediately found i swear to god a big chalky lime green and yellow zebra striped rock. i gave it to him and told him to remember i remember seeing it on my step dads desk tho or my dads and they actually might have each im almost sure had one of those roll top wood desks. but i know this rock existed it was in my life i saw it around. i must have taken it back from my dad to give to my step dad then it was just gone and my dad claims to not remember or just doesnt.... it looked like no naturally occuring rock and yet hard to imagine a person creating either yet natural.   when I wasn't buying food and there was nothing in the house to eat.. I had to work soon and I was lying on a dirty mattress feeling myself die.. watching the scuff marks on the wall floating and trying to touch eachother as though against wind.. I tried to call my "friend" and leave a message that I thought I was dying. she later said she didn't listen to it thought I was just trying to get attention I guess. it was within months or weeks of seeing my own visualizations project through the tv. seemed like collaborative effort to express what I wanted to express. felt like dreaming on the tv and my roommate saw it too and thought it was profound. he was a desperate guy I was a desperate girl. if he wasn't such a creep and unable to understand I was gay if he wasn't verging on dangerous..(years later he pinned me down and spat in my face after walking around naked red and angrily expecting something) i was always avoided by normal people sought out by freaks and often passed up things that might have been a healthy medium. i missed the people i had already bonded with who had little time for me.. no one could replace them. i was into finding someone to be with romantically and i wasted time leaning on people i didn't want to because i wasn't able to maintain something healthy. i might make a post about how if i had held out longer for true love i wouldn't have missed the train of my person the first time. i would advise people to open their minds yet stick to their standards that matter most.. don't accept something that you less than love unless ur ready to sacrifice the capacity of your heart and chances at true love. don't take people on a ride. i owe this guy nothing. but he didn't deserve to be dangling from false hope. unrelated to the schizo related memories I'm trying to bring out now.. like the bus stop near that apartment.. i remember it was like 12am and i was trying to catch a bus and there was a grime puddle under a streetlamp that looked like a woman with my awkward body type and posture, clutching a pillow with her whole skeletal body.. recently after letting a miracle slip through my fingers.. i was looking for "god" through the rainy car window. a drop briefly held the form of an old man with a beard.. and then his face fell into a crying expression..

here's what I can remember.. I was in this futuristic psych ward where the focus was on freedom and allowing people to come out of their shells without consequence. Patients were very peaceful and happy and it felt like a family. There was this room in between two other rooms without doors. This room had a computer screen floor that either showed you your thoughts or a projection of the nebulae system of outer space. If you focused on a certain point in the system it would zoom in and pan around at will. As I was facing the floor and getting lost in this visualization I began to feel I was one with everything and I began to levitate rotating slowly forward. After practicing a bit I ventured into the living area where some people were watching tv and I began to roll forward into the air slowly levitating in front of other patients/friends. They began laughing in a friendly way because I was upside down and only in a t-shirt, which gives us a look at the nature of this hospital and the freedom from rules within the safety of the walls. I was in a sort of abandonment from structure within the freedom of my wandering thoughts you could say. Then I went to the office and they told me they needed me to take something to test the levels of something in my blood and I told them, "I just levitated." They didn't disturb the flow with a surprised response but just said, "Oh, really?" And I said, "Yeah all you have to do is know that you are everyone and everyone is you." Or something then I began levitating and as people watched I heard angels singing and the scene began to freeze and I saw myself as a young Sim skinny and blond and about 16 blowing out birthday candles and levitating as my friends around the table gasped and laughed in awe. It was floaty and patches were blurry as I floated slightly in and out of the frozen scene thinking I wouldn't mind living this moment forever or dying like this. It then zoomed out until I was on the other side of a window with a bullet hole in it. This happened at a time in my life of feeling pursued by people who wanted to end my freedom. After I see the bullet hole I start to think that this scene is perfect for a movie or something and I hear someone stealing my idea and chasing me to do away with the original copy of the idea or something like this. I hear him singing "Time is money, money money money!" And then I go through twisting stairs and a secret passage until I do wake up and go downstairs to feel safer.?

 

  It was as though the birthday girl hologram was all there was. The date is a guess I had this a few months back

I have been receiving more fake profile's 

Then real people?  ( WTH ) I'm on another site and

I'm slammed by them at least 4 @ day ? And if I'm on late night they come in quick mostly age 33 Bi no pic and no profile filled out ??

Have any of you had this happen?

Never Judge

My first was with my best friend. She is very nice and kind. I often visit her room and talk, play game, watch TV. She sometimes takes bath and I could watch her attractive body. Her body is nice and I feel she is beatutiful but that's all. Nothing more than that. It was Sunday and her family was not at home. We talked as usual for a while. Suddenly she hugged me and kissed. I was surprised but I didn't against her because I like her. Her lips were soft and sweet and I had good feeling. We kissed so many times. She took off my shirts and kissed my breasts and l**ked them. I felt so good and wet little. While l**king my n*pples and brests, she took my hand and lead it inside her panties. I was so excited and my heart strokes so fast. She was very wet more than I ever had. After she let me know how wet she had been, she lead me to touch her pu**y which was soft and hot. She let me rub her pu**y. She brought my fingers to her clitor*s. She made me rub her clitor*s. It became bigger and harder. She was feeling good. She made me rub around her vag**a and insert my finger. It was warm and wet and she let me explore her most important palace. I was dripping wet and my panties were soaking wet. I wanted to touch my pu**y but, she didn't let me do. She let my finger inside her and she move it around. She kissed my pussy and tasted my love juice

I imagine

I sign up for  site and paid my money but I am starting to believe this is not what it all adds up to be. I haven't met or spoke to anyone here besides one old woman who was looking for friendship. Wow

I just want a look a girls croch so I could see what it looks like I am a girl and a lesbo so if you are a lesbo text me and I'll text you back please I am a nice person thx 

I'm new to this but I really wanna have the experience of being with another girl. I've had a lot of thought to it but haven't had the courage to come out. But I'm dying to have sex with a beautiful girl. I wanna be touched all over & eaten out. Any takers to start something ? ;)

Spirituality or religion in general was a confusifing concept to me. In my elementary years I lived with my dad who is agnostic and my stepmom at the time was Jewish. My mom went from Wiccan to non dominational Christian. So in elementary religion just meant different holidays. 

When I moved in with my mom the summer before middle school she was transitioning from Wiccan to Christianity. During that time was some of my happiest memories of my family. My mom would teach me about the earth and have me meditate on listening. To me it didn't matter what religion she was following but those moments were peaceful for me. 

But when she started becoming more of a Christian, got a divorce from that stepdad, and became ill (she is still alive today, but at the time we thought she was on her deathbed) things changed. This all happened around the end of my 7th grade year. My mom slowly began to be sick, not able to work, cook, clean, or really take care of us. People tried breaking into the house and overall I was scared. I watched over my little sister (she's two 1/2 years younger than I), did homework, cleaned house, cooked meals (mainly stuff like sandwiches or stuff that could be put in the microwave), cleaned, walked to my sisters school to pick her up, and took care of my mom the best I could. At this time religion did not play much a role in my life. It was not talked about. But when my mom found a bag of basil under the bed she freaked and thought it was marijuana. I tried telling her it was basil or bay leaves (at the time I forgot which herb I put in the bag) and that it was suppose to protect us from negative things. She didn't believe me until a friend of the family, who I called uncle and had not seen in years, popped up out of nowhere. He told my mom it was basil, said hi to me and disappeared. I probably would have thought I imagined him coming if it wasn't for my mom also loving to tell that story.

My mom got better and my current step dad came into the picture. My mom became non dominational Christian and say things like Wiccan and divination were against God. Around that time I looked into Wiccan, Druidry, and a little bit into Buddism. But felt like it was wrong to look into them since my mom was against it. I followed Christianity and became more involved in the church. I joined the committee board of the church at the age of 15 (the youngest to join) and went to the women's bible study. Not long after joining the committee board they disbanned and after going to the bible study for 6 months I was asked to leave because they felt I was too young even though they recognized I was mature well beyond my age. A lady from the bible study group took me home and was left with the task for telling my mom what went on. My mother is very blunt and knew that me being kicked out had hurt me, though I had not made that known to anyone at the bible study when they told me. She gave the lady an ear full about the actions of the bible study. That lady then became my mentor and would hold one on one bible studies with me. She is a really kind hearted lady.

In college I was still going to a church near my college campus and to a bible study on campus.

But after a bit I felt that I was following Christianity just to follow it and that I did not truly believe. At that time I was also questioning my sexuality and wanted to follow herbal studies instead of getting a masters in Botany or Horticulture. 

So I called my mom and said, "I want to go into herbal studies after graduating instead of Plant science."

My mom said, "okay."

"Then I said that I was questioning whether I was gay or straight. And that I was agnostic."

Out of all that my mom was upset the most by me being agnostic. She asked if I was agnostic because of my sexual orientation. I told her that wasn't the case. 

After I graduated from college and moved around I was able to spend more time finding myself. I looked once again at Wiccan, Druidry, and Buddhism. As well as Shamanism. My great grandmother was 1/2 Native American though she refused to acknowledge that side of her ancestors. So I had done a little research into that. I have been fascinated by many cultures and thought it was time to take a look at mine. But after a bit I took an online class about Buddhism and decided that it was this spiritual path that feels right to me. 

So for a few months I talked about it a lot as I explored new topics. It amazed me how much of Buddhism went with what I already believed or at least thought about at some point in time.

I was staying with my grandmother at the time (not my great grandmother that I mentioned earlier) and we would talk about all sorts of things. But when I tried talking with my mom about Buddhism, she would say that it's not her religion. And when I tried inviting her to honor your parents day at the local monastery she repeated that phrase. I tried explaining that Buddhism is more of a spiritual path than religion but she would not listen. The monastery had asked if I would write a speech for my mom on honor your parents day, I said I would if we were able to go. But since my mom would go I didn't go (that and the monastery was over an hour away and I was having car troubles). At that time my mom and I were having a rocky relationship so I decided to still write the speech. That way I could see my mom in a positive lighting instead of focusing on all the negativity at that time. 

To this day I can not share my view of Buddhism with my mom and at first that was hurtful but now I am working through that.

I have been following Buddhism since about June 2013 so I am still growing in many ways. 

If you have questions or wish to talk about anything I mentioned feel free to post comments. Or if you want to talk about your spiritual journey feel free to post comments as well. I like hearing about other peoples journeys too.